There is so much to misinterpret in that title. I don’t mean that I have a set of unbreakable guidelines for when I invite my African-American friends over for Thanksgiving (although maybe I should, like, “No dancing or sports because it makes us white folks feel bad”). I mean, Black Thanksgiving Rules, much like “San Dimas High School Football Rules!”

 

What is “Black Thanksgiving”? Well, traditionally, “Black Friday” is a day that a bunch of retailers offer things at “lower” prices in “limited” quantity so we buy the potential holiday gifts we “need”.  But because the Black Friday sales are now actually starting on Thursday night, it has now become “Black Thanksgiving”! And this is most excellent.

 

Excellent? This is a disgrace to the sacred tradition of Thanksgiving and spits in the face of the American Family. Holiday Heresy!

 

Okay, let me start off by saying this:

 

Fuck Tradition

 

Why? Because question everything, that’s why.

 

Nobody like a smart ass

 

So why does this new Thanksgiving rule? What is Thanksgiving anyway? It’s a holiday that is centered around spending time with family and eating massive amounts of food. Watching parades/football and being all thankful or whatever.

 

Here’s the thing though, that’s not what it is like for some of us. Some of us spend the day trapped in a house; sitting on a plastic covered couch next to chain-smoking grandparents who think yelling at the TV makes their football team run faster. Some of us work all day in the kitchen for a group of people who are trying their hardest to mask their contempt for each other, but as soon as they are no longer distracted the malice starts to overflow out all over the food like room-temp runny gravy. And some of us have to sit across from that relative who keeps staring at us and saying “You’ve gotten so big” in a way that makes us feel more uncomfortable than fat (we think he might have touched us when we were 7 but we can’t be sure because it was late and we were both very drunk). Point being, some of us hate these holidays that guilt us into traditional actions and social obligations.

 

So how does Black Thanksgiving remedy this? It doesn’t. But it does shorten it! Because everyone has to get ready and wait in line for these “great deals”. The real great deal is that your Family Fun Fest gets shorter each year and you get a little more of your life back. Instead of fighting the cultural progression and clinging to the past, embrace this new thing we call Black Thanksgiving.

 

Besides, maybe you can score a deal on something, like a Wii U or the abortion pill, that will make your life a little less horrible. Who knows, maybe it will distract you from the family you have to see the other 364/5 days of the year. And that’s what Thanksgiving is really about, being thankful for the little things.

 

-Will

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