As you know, sleep is pretty awesome. It helps with a shit-ton of problems and biological processes, including helping fight depression, but sometimes sleep can be a pain in the ass to get. So, here are IDK’s 5 tips to getting some damn sleep!


Disclaimer: I am not a doctor nor did I consult a doctor about these techniques. This is more or less a list of things I think might help with sleep. Also know that I fail at getting quality sleep on a regular basis, not because I don’t know how, I just suck at self-improvement.


Tip 1: Stop Dicking Around on the Computer Before Bed!


According to some research I’m not going to cite, light exposure reduces the production of melatonin (sleepy hormone). Avoiding light at night sounds easy right? Well, back-lit screens, like computers, TVs, and tablets, may help you un-wind but they are actually keeping your brain awake while your body is tired! Want better sleep? Cut screen-time usage about an hour before bed. Read a book or something! Just don’t do this shit:



Tip 2: Think About Something Else – Relax


Some people count sheep, but that would terrify me as there are so many sheep they could easily overpower me as I am only armed with a dream-abacus. Instead, I recommend some deep breathing and trying to think about these ideas:

  • Continue to play the last video game you played in your head
  • Put yourself in the last world you visited via book/movie/song and explore
  • Play a round of golf in your mind (fun for old white dudes and boring as shit for the rest of us)
  • Imagine yourself in a peaceful environment where nothing exciting happens, like a beach or the lobby of a bank
  • Picture all the things you would do with your lottery winnings (you’re bound to win sometime!)


This goal isn’t to fall asleep, the goal is to relax and sleeping is the side effect. This doesn’t always work, mostly because of the next tip on the list, and my thoughts end up something like this:

I wonder if it’s better to max out the DPS on my paladin I’m 25 years-old and I have nothing to show for it. Damn, I’ll try again. I can grind for gold better if I equip a list of all the people I’ve disappointed in my life. So I’ll switch to another idea. Ah yes, here is a serene environment to explore, remember when that first zombie from Resident Evil that gave you nightmares and you couldn’t sleep for 2 weeks? Let’s roll that clip repeatedly.


Tip 3: Lay Off the Energy Drinks Bro!


Limiting caffeine consumption before bed seems obvious, but I forget that caffeine can stay in your system up to 6 hours! Energy drinks in the evening are an issue because you are affected by the sugar, caffeine, and liquid in your bladder—all of which keep you from getting restful sleep. Your body may be tired, you may be keeping a consistent bedtime, and you do the other sleep tips, but an overactive brain will keep you from drifting off in sleep. Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do if you are suffering from a caffeine buzz, so read a book or something (not in your bed—tip 4) until you get tired. And if you NEED that burst of energy to get you through your nightly Facebook Scroll-and-Judge, then maybe do some stretching or light physical activity for a slight increase of energy to power through those Facebook galleries of unflattering photos of people you went to high school with.

She really let herself go

She really let herself go


Tip 4: Your Bed is a Temple


Or a tent! Get it? Like, when you have a HUGE BONER and the sheets are like, 7 feet high because of your massive raging hard-on? …Yeah, me either. What I mean is, your bed is a special place and should be used for only two things:

Sleeping and Sexing

Other ways to make your bed sacred is to, in addition to not reading, working, or watching YouTube videos of Cats, have consistency to your pre-ritual and environment. Keeping noise down, or masking it with a constant drone (fan, humidifier, noise machine), keeping it cool and well ventilated, and pee before you go to bed. Unless your sexing involves peeing.


No judgement.


Tip 5: Masturbate Yourself to Sleep


Works for me!




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